Modern Job Satirist Gifts

"I've got to be honest. It's going to be hard to find you a position that offers 40 days of personal time."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

"Janet, cancel my Guido's reservation. I'll be having lunch in the office."

'Yes, can I help you?'

In and Out Tray

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

Meet Grant, he came up through the ranks.

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

'I'm delegating everything but my paycheck and my snazzy office to you.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'Remember, Jenkins, I want those briefs on my desk by morning.'

'We took the old plan, folded in half, and now it's the new plan.'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

'The question is - to what level of data do we wish to stoop.'

'I'm being promoted to The Capable Office - he said I'm incapable!'

'On your marks. Get set. Go!' - 'Come on! Keep going! You can do it!' - 'Yay! You're 8 hours closer to the grave!' - 'Oh, God.'

Office temperature.

'I blame the nothing for something culture.'

'Thanks for the promotion offer but I was hoping to sleep my way to the top..'

If you really need permanent staff for IMMEDIATE cover then we could pull out all the stops and get someone by next October.