Satirical Job Seeker Gifts

'Your resume is written in crayon, and under experience you have computer games. You've never had a real job, have you?'

'Yes, can I help you?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

"What's your occupation?"

A man is selling, 'Cameron voodoo dolls', outside of job centre.

'You're in luck - we do have a temporary position in advertising'.

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

"You'll be allowed to work from home two days a week... Saturday and Sunday."

'I don't think I could have picked a tougher line of work.'

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

"We are looking for temps, but I'm afraid you're too temp for us."

'I'm looking for someone to bask in my glow.'

'I like your appearance. I'm sure we can find you a place in the company.'

'Ambitious? You sit there admitting you're a troublemaker!'

Right,so you're looking for someone with magic circle experience in M&A ,litigation and finance with a set of blue chip clients and the freedom to work ANYWHERE...would you like them to walk on water and turn water into wine as well?

"You cleaned out your desk so efficiently you've been rehired and placed in charge of Housekeeping."

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

"I've got to be honest. It's going to be hard to find you a position that offers 40 days of personal time."

"Our plan is to hire the first person we find not under federal investigation."

'Can you dance?'

'If there are any current employees traveling with children or siblings or cousins or nephews or...'

'You're a spineless, craven, frightened little man, Bradberg - I like that in an employee.'

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

ROBOT EMPLOYMENT AGENCY, 'We don't have much on hand right now --how'd you like to be a Pez dispenser?'

'My investment advice is to relax, stop and smell the roses, dig up the roses, bury a million dollars beneath the roses.'

"I'm afraid you may be overqualified for the shelf-stacking role."

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

Will work for question marks.

Personnel - "I liked the one that saluted."

Can You Dance?

John Dryden