Joking Job Seeker Gifts

"According to this aptitude test, the position you seem most suited for is retirement."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"What's your occupation?"

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

A man is selling, 'Cameron voodoo dolls', outside of job centre.

'We like to find just the right slot for our people.'

'Are you free at the moment?'

When staffing agencies screw up.

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"We are looking for temps, but I'm afraid you're too temp for us."

"So, Ms. Mayfly. Where do you see yourself in five years?"

'Ambitious? You sit there admitting you're a troublemaker!'

"I only live for 24 hours, so I need a temp job that pays big bugs."

"Of course there are some advantages to working here...we have a Food Bank situated conveniently at the end of the street!"

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

"That's great that you're on 8 different social media sites, but how are you at bank reconciliations, accounts payable, and working?"

"You cleaned out your desk so efficiently you've been rehired and placed in charge of Housekeeping."

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

'Well... I guess it's time to look for a new job...'

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

'If there are any current employees traveling with children or siblings or cousins or nephews or...'

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

ROBOT EMPLOYMENT AGENCY, 'We don't have much on hand right now --how'd you like to be a Pez dispenser?'

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

Can You Dance?

'I'm not sure that mentioning your diploma in 'Monkey Business' really helps your resume...'

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

'Do we have a dental plan?..Oh sure. Big Kenny here,takes care of all tooth extractions.'

"I want to get him something for Christmas he's never had before."

"This is an impressive resume, but do you have other experience besides 'barking a lot'?"

Will work for question marks.