Job Seeker With Humor Gifts

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

"What's your occupation?"

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

A man is selling, 'Cameron voodoo dolls', outside of job centre.

When staffing agencies screw up.

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

"We are looking for temps, but I'm afraid you're too temp for us."

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

'Ambitious? You sit there admitting you're a troublemaker!'

"You cleaned out your desk so efficiently you've been rehired and placed in charge of Housekeeping."

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

'If there are any current employees traveling with children or siblings or cousins or nephews or...'

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

ROBOT EMPLOYMENT AGENCY, 'We don't have much on hand right now --how'd you like to be a Pez dispenser?'

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

Will work for question marks.

'Do we have a dental plan?..Oh sure. Big Kenny here,takes care of all tooth extractions.'

Can You Dance?

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

'We were going to hire you, but a background check showed you pulled a girl's ponytail in the 2nd grade. We don't need abusive people working here.'

'I looked at your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

'Special skills? Well, I've been told I make a mean martini!'

'Your work experience, résumé and references are all perfectly adequate...but nothing seems to stand out.'

'Next thing I'll need from you is a sample. Writing or urine - your choice.'

'I asked my boss if I could use him as a character reference...'

"Hurry, son! The economy is almost at full employment! Better get a job before they're all gone!"

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'