Joking Job Seeker Pillows

"According to this aptitude test, the position you seem most suited for is retirement."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"What's your occupation?"

A man is selling, 'Cameron voodoo dolls', outside of job centre.

'Are you free at the moment?'

'We like to find just the right slot for our people.'

When staffing agencies screw up.

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

"We are looking for temps, but I'm afraid you're too temp for us."

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"I only live for 24 hours, so I need a temp job that pays big bugs."

"So, Ms. Mayfly. Where do you see yourself in five years?"

'Ambitious? You sit there admitting you're a troublemaker!'

"Of course there are some advantages to working here...we have a Food Bank situated conveniently at the end of the street!"

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

"That's great that you're on 8 different social media sites, but how are you at bank reconciliations, accounts payable, and working?"

"You cleaned out your desk so efficiently you've been rehired and placed in charge of Housekeeping."

'If there are any current employees traveling with children or siblings or cousins or nephews or...'

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

'Well... I guess it's time to look for a new job...'

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

"I expected you would write something."

Will work for question marks.

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

Can You Dance?

"This is an impressive resume, but do you have other experience besides 'barking a lot'?"

'Do we have a dental plan?..Oh sure. Big Kenny here,takes care of all tooth extractions.'

"I want to get him something for Christmas he's never had before."

'I'm not sure that mentioning your diploma in 'Monkey Business' really helps your resume...'