Job Hunter With Humor Pillows

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"What's your occupation?"

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

What do you think of the application so far?

When staffing agencies screw up.

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"We are looking for temps, but I'm afraid you're too temp for us."

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

'Do we have a dental plan?..Oh sure. Big Kenny here,takes care of all tooth extractions.'

Will work for question marks.

'We were going to hire you, but a background check showed you pulled a girl's ponytail in the 2nd grade. We don't need abusive people working here.'

'I looked at your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

'Special skills? Well, I've been told I make a mean martini!'

'Your work experience, résumé and references are all perfectly adequate...but nothing seems to stand out.'

"Hurry, son! The economy is almost at full employment! Better get a job before they're all gone!"

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

'I asked my boss if I could use him as a character reference...'

'Next thing I'll need from you is a sample. Writing or urine - your choice.'

'You'd be right for us if we decide to lower our standards.'

"And this is our head of HR who will be arranging your contract."

...becoming a restaurant critic

'I told the interviewer that I walked away from a six-figure job. I just left out the part about the security escort.'

'May I have your card? I'll be sending either a thank you, or a screw you note.'