Job Seekers With A Sense Of Humor Pillows

'I looked at your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

We're actually looking for someone who just wants to get out of the house.

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'And what sentence do you see yourself serving in five years?'

'According to the assessment you are slow, incompetent, and you have a tendency to lose documents. . . That is why we like to offer you a job as an invoice processor.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"What's your occupation?"

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

'Are you free at the moment?'

When staffing agencies screw up.

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"We are looking for temps, but I'm afraid you're too temp for us."

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

'Do we have a dental plan?..Oh sure. Big Kenny here,takes care of all tooth extractions.'

"According to our records, we gave you a raise 15 years ago. And now you've requested another one? Greed is not a quality we like in our employees."

Will work for question marks.

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

'We were going to hire you, but a background check showed you pulled a girl's ponytail in the 2nd grade. We don't need abusive people working here.'

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

'Your work experience, résumé and references are all perfectly adequate...but nothing seems to stand out.'

'Next thing I'll need from you is a sample. Writing or urine - your choice.'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."

'I asked my boss if I could use him as a character reference...'

"Hurry, son! The economy is almost at full employment! Better get a job before they're all gone!"

'You'd be right for us if we decide to lower our standards.'