Job Seeker With A Sense Of Humor Pillows

'We were going to hire you, but a background check showed you pulled a girl's ponytail in the 2nd grade. We don't need abusive people working here.'

'Other than the fact that you have large mortgage, automobile and credit card payments to make, why do you want to work here?'

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

'I asked my boss if I could use him as a character reference...'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

"Mr Pendleton, you'll be pleased to know that you're on our short list."

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"Don't bother checking my references. That's my pretend resume."

"I can start you on minimal wage."

"You haven't worked in a while, so we'd expect you to be a little rusty."

The Career Cowboy

"Your former employer suspected you might come here and sent me a 'My Deepest Sympathy' card."

"You understand that we screen applicants pretty thoroughly."

'Do we have a dental plan?..Oh sure. Big Kenny here,takes care of all tooth extractions.'

'Oh, you're qualified, all right -- the problem is, we're looking for someone OVERqualifed.'

'May I have your card? I'll be sending either a thank you, or a screw you note.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

If Job offers told the truth...

'One more thing. New hires have to show up early each day for obedience training.'

'Tell me how you failed at your previous job. I'd love to hear about it.'

'I have all my teeth.'

When staffing agencies screw up.

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

"What's your occupation?"

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

"We are looking for temps, but I'm afraid you're too temp for us."

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

'Ambitious? You sit there admitting you're a troublemaker!'

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'