Job Hunting Humor Lover Pillows

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"What's your occupation?"

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

Opp'y of a Lifetime

This castle manager job better be for real.

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

The ultimate Secret Service demotion. We're sending you to guard Mount Rushmore.

'I'm afraid I can't do business with you, Miss Carstairs -- you're just too damned cute.'

"We're able to use you, Crampton… everything but the 'oink'."

When staffing agencies screw up.

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"Besides, 'Not working for this crappy company,' where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

"Forget the pension and health care - do I get gas money?"

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

'It's a grueling job that requires a strong commitment and personal sacrifice. Is your mother available?'

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

'Do we have a dental plan?..Oh sure. Big Kenny here,takes care of all tooth extractions.'

'The destiny of untrained seals'

"The position you've applied for does employ some osmosis."

Will work for question marks.

'We were going to hire you, but a background check showed you pulled a girl's ponytail in the 2nd grade. We don't need abusive people working here.'

'I looked at your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

'Your work experience, résumé and references are all perfectly adequate...but nothing seems to stand out.'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

"Hurry, son! The economy is almost at full employment! Better get a job before they're all gone!"

'I asked my boss if I could use him as a character reference...'

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."