Job Hunter's Humor Pillows

'This sounds promising... 'Help wanted: Live Bait'...'

'-but I wasn't expecting anything THAT quickly!'

Businessman sees sign in company window: 'Now Firing'.

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"What's your occupation?"

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"There's another one of those blokes that work from home."

When staffing agencies screw up.

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"We are looking for temps, but I'm afraid you're too temp for us."

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

'Well... I guess it's time to look for a new job...'

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

'Do we have a dental plan?..Oh sure. Big Kenny here,takes care of all tooth extractions.'

Will work for question marks.

"The position you've applied for does employ some osmosis."

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

Well the good news is that you'll be leading the team...And the BAD news...you ARE the team!

'We were going to hire you, but a background check showed you pulled a girl's ponytail in the 2nd grade. We don't need abusive people working here.'

'I looked at your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

'Special skills? Well, I've been told I make a mean martini!'

'Your work experience, résumé and references are all perfectly adequate...but nothing seems to stand out.'

'Next thing I'll need from you is a sample. Writing or urine - your choice.'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

'I asked my boss if I could use him as a character reference...'