Job Seekers' Humor Pillows

"Well, I made you a job offer and you accepted. I guess the only thing left is for me to read you your Miranda rights."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"What's your occupation?"

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

'Are you free at the moment?'

When staffing agencies screw up.

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

"We are looking for temps, but I'm afraid you're too temp for us."

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

'Scoutmasters aren't usually used as references.'

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

'Well... I guess it's time to look for a new job...'

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

Will work for question marks.

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

'Do we have a dental plan?..Oh sure. Big Kenny here,takes care of all tooth extractions.'

Not only have we been laid off, but, being small, we can crawl through air ducts with ease.

'We were going to hire you, but a background check showed you pulled a girl's ponytail in the 2nd grade. We don't need abusive people working here.'

'I looked at your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

'Special skills? Well, I've been told I make a mean martini!'

'Your work experience, résumé and references are all perfectly adequate...but nothing seems to stand out.'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

'I asked my boss if I could use him as a character reference...'

'Next thing I'll need from you is a sample. Writing or urine - your choice.'

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."

"I can start you on minimal wage."

If Job offers told the truth...