Occupational Satirist Gifts

'I've got my bandages to protect me!'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

National Boss Monument.

"That arrow always goes to the bottom when I walk by."

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

"Janet, cancel my Guido's reservation. I'll be having lunch in the office."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

In and Out Tray

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.