Career Satirist Gifts

"I see myself in a position where mediocrity is rewarded."

"So where do you see yourself in five months?"

"My youngest is at the age when she can barely comprehend cost effective analysis."

"This job starts out at $50,000 and tops out at $75,000 after three years."

"The kid next door is doing a school project on heighborhood success stories and wanted to talk to you. I laughed so hard I wet my pants."

"Have you considered the option of being chopped up into small pieces and chargrilled in a mid range restaurant?"

Job description

"You state on your resume that you want to work very little, but get paid a lot. I do appreciate your honesty."

"Sounds crazy, but I'm really in it just for the money."

A man throwing a bone and retrieving it for 40 years, then retiring.

'As a matter of act, we should have an opening in 2022.'

'Sure, your salaries are low but think of all the apples you're getting.'

'We can't offer a pension or job security, but you get a more prestigious email address.'

'Job satisfaction is up, because there are fewer jobs.'

'There they go, Herb -- the hard-core employed.'

'I used to work for the Treasury Department, but there's no future in economic forecasts.'

No, Dad, they didn't give me a key to the 'executive washroom' with my promotion. These days you get the pin number to the unisex lounge.

Dolestart - A New Initiative

'We're looking for someone who would be comfortable toiling in obscurity for at least thirty years.'

"I have a lot of experience being unemployed."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."