Job Market Satirist Gifts

Right,so you're looking for someone with magic circle experience in M&A ,litigation and finance with a set of blue chip clients and the freedom to work ANYWHERE...would you like them to walk on water and turn water into wine as well?

"PHD! I'm impressed with your credentials."

'Just to clarify - we were laughing at you, not with you just now.'

Help. After Amassing Huge College Debt, I had To Dumb Down My Resume To Get A Job.

"Our plan is to hire the first person we find not under federal investigation."

"There's not much call for 'the smiting of the ungodly' at the moment. Would you consider working in a call centre."

"I'm sorry, I thought your application was an April fool."

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

'We're really looking for an applicant who's got more snip, snail and puppy dog tail.'

'You're in luck - we do have a temporary position in advertising'.

"I know I'm overqualified ut I only intend to use half of my brain."

"First time I've ever seen 'humdrum' in a job description."

Job Centre: Settle for Early Retirement.

'One thing about being chronically unemployed -- we're safe from work-related injuries.'

'Yes, can I help you?'

'I like your appearance. I'm sure we can find you a place in the company.'

Personnel - "I liked the one that saluted."

'Could you put your clothes on again now.'

P.45 - In Case Of Being Fired Break Glass

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

How are you at decision making?

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

Dolestart - A New Initiative

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'Mr Clayton will see you first, Sir.'

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

"Today the market closed at exactly the right price, and all buyers and sellers were very happy."

"Damn tail... now he's going to ask for more money."

'Stock Market re-entry now safe. . . City analysts say.'

"We pay the living dead wage."

"Brodkin, now that the economy is creating jobs at a faster than expected clip, why don't you go out and find yourself one?"

'Job satisfaction is up, because there are fewer jobs.'

"You'll be allowed to work from home two days a week... Saturday and Sunday."

'This drug treats 'stock market jitters' but a side effect is 'irrational exuberance'.'