Job Market Satire Gifts

"So get out there, and join the ranks of the unemployed!"

'Yes, can I help you?'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

How are you at decision making?

Career Analyst "Well I've looked at your file and yes, your job is rubbish"

'You're in luck - we do have a temporary position in advertising'.

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

"Damn tail... now he's going to ask for more money."

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

"You'll be allowed to work from home two days a week... Saturday and Sunday."

'I don't think I could have picked a tougher line of work.'

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

'I like your appearance. I'm sure we can find you a place in the company.'

'I'm looking for someone to bask in my glow.'

"Of course there is still a lot of stigma attached to being undead, I hardly ever get past the interview stage."

'This is one of those 'shovel ready' jobs you hear about.'

Right,so you're looking for someone with magic circle experience in M&A ,litigation and finance with a set of blue chip clients and the freedom to work ANYWHERE...would you like them to walk on water and turn water into wine as well?

"Of course there are some advantages to working here...we have a Food Bank situated conveniently at the end of the street!"

'You're a spineless, craven, frightened little man, Bradberg - I like that in an employee.'

'Can you dance?'

"I've got to be honest. It's going to be hard to find you a position that offers 40 days of personal time."

"Our plan is to hire the first person we find not under federal investigation."

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

'No experience necessary. We'll train you!'

Personnel - "I liked the one that saluted."

Will work for question marks.

Job Centre: Settle for Early Retirement.

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

"I'm afraid you may be overqualified for the shelf-stacking role."

I'm very impressed with your resume. Especially the part about your inability to make decisions by yourself.

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

This company has enough clowns.

'Your work experience, résumé and references are all perfectly adequate...but nothing seems to stand out.'

"You'd make a great personal assistant, but I'm afraid the job would eat you alive."

The Job Offer