Job Market Satire Fans Gifts

I'm very impressed with your resume. Especially the part about your inability to make decisions by yourself.

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

'Yes, can I help you?'

"It's okay to be ambitious but do you dare to pee on my tree, Jackson!"

"A few years ago, you management gurus told us to downsize until the halls echoed..."

"You haven't been laid off because you're the designated scapegoat."

'Stevens, get in here. I need a few minutes with the left side of your brain.'

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"

'You're in luck - we do have a temporary position in advertising'.

"Of course I believe in diversity. Harlan, here, is an endangered species."

"Excellent Simons, I admire a 'yes' man who's not afraid to say 'yes'."

'Well, this is a new low - even for you.'

'hard work and more hard work got me where I am today...Not my hard work of course.'

"Was 'delegation' the only thing you learnt on that management course?"

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

"You can't say that to a customer!"

Cut-throat Environment

"Damn tail... now he's going to ask for more money."

"Here a Goldstein and Company, if at first you don't succeed, you're fired!"

a crash-test dummy is performing some affirmations before going to work

'That must be the guy from corporate.'

'All of your previous employers said you are very loyal.'

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

"Anderson, we'd like to talk to you about your stand-offish attitude.'

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

"Something tells me his demands may be difficult to meet."

'We're a bit tight on space.'

"You'll be allowed to work from home two days a week... Saturday and Sunday."

CEO Bonus - 'Those in favor of my exhorbitant bonus say 'aye'. Those opposed say, 'Good heavens, I've been shot!'

"To err is human, Simmons, so you're being replaced by a computer."

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

". . . and then I realize everybody in the room has their phones set to 'ignore.'"

'Sir, I need stroking.'