Employment Satire Fan Gifts

'No experience necessary. We'll train you!'

'I can't believe you hired your National Security Advisor from Craig's List!'

'I like you, that's why I've waited so long to fire you.'

This company has enough clowns.

"Looks like we found the issue."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

Non-Power Breakfast

"It's okay to be ambitious but do you dare to pee on my tree, Jackson!"

"He'll do anything to say in power."

Whack-a-mole CEO.

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

Up-to-date Career-Specific Romance Novels

Told you...Nonsense compulsive disorder.

"It's a swearbox."

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

"Comparing our salaries with the workers' salaries makes me cry...with laughter!"

"You haven't been laid off because you're the designated scapegoat."

"While we're on the subject of earnings, does anyone have a clever metaphor using the word, 'toilet'?"

Scapegoat of the Year

'And these are the projections if we stop doing silly things like paying the employees.'

Stoneage business ethics: 'But, hey, this 'ethics' stuff isn't carved in stone!'

'Stevens, get in here. I need a few minutes with the left side of your brain.'

"Here's a manual of our rules and a CD that covers our unwritten rules.

"Already sold your soul to the company? Listen, I'll have my people talk to their people."

"Gentlemen, may I present our company's future. A buggy whip... with Bluetooth!"

'You'll never succeed until the kissing up becomes instinctual.'

Death Boss

"We feel you're over analyzing things a bit too much."