Satirical Workplace Fan Gifts

"Someone's misfiled Harrington."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

In and Out Tray

National Boss Monument.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"Janet, cancel my Guido's reservation. I'll be having lunch in the office."

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

"Since you somehow managed to get past my moat, I'll give you a few minutes."

'Remember, Jenkins, I want those briefs on my desk by morning.'

"It's okay to be ambitious but do you dare to pee on my tree, Jackson!"

'I'm delegating everything but my paycheck and my snazzy office to you.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

Meet Grant, he came up through the ranks.

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

'We took the old plan, folded in half, and now it's the new plan.'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

Whack-a-mole CEO.

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'