Work Satire Fan Gifts

'While no one questions your abilities as a doorman, Cliff, we've decided to replace you with this wedge of wood.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

"It's okay to be ambitious but do you dare to pee on my tree, Jackson!"

"He'll do anything to say in power."

"Since you somehow managed to get past my moat, I'll give you a few minutes."

Non-Power Breakfast

Whack-a-mole CEO.

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

"It's a swearbox."

"Comparing our salaries with the workers' salaries makes me cry...with laughter!"

Scapegoat of the Year

Told you...Nonsense compulsive disorder.

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

"You haven't been laid off because you're the designated scapegoat."

"Let me put it this way: I'm hitting 'Unlike' and 'Unhire.'"

'And these are the projections if we stop doing silly things like paying the employees.'

Stoneage business ethics: 'But, hey, this 'ethics' stuff isn't carved in stone!'

'It could be worse. Imagine what it'd be like if we hadn't gone to that team building session last week.'

'Stevens, get in here. I need a few minutes with the left side of your brain.'

"Here's a manual of our rules and a CD that covers our unwritten rules.

"Already sold your soul to the company? Listen, I'll have my people talk to their people."

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'You'll never succeed until the kissing up becomes instinctual.'

"Gentlemen, may I present our company's future. A buggy whip... with Bluetooth!"

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"