Workplace Satire Fan Gifts

"We look for people who can quickly adapt to changes in the workplace."

"No, I don't call it 'sexual harassment'. I call it casual friday!"

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

'I'm very busy right now. I'll post your annual review on my blog this evening.'

'This is more precise than objectively reviewing resumes.'

'My sources tell me, Jenkins, that you've requested one lunch break and several bathroom breaks each day. I consider that a sign of weakness. You're fired.'

"Something tells me his demands may be difficult to meet."

'We're a bit tight on space.'

'My first mistake was hiring you. My second mistake was not firing you. My third mistake is going to be throwing you out the window.'

"Now what was that I was meant to report...something about a loose carpet?"

'Mr. Gelt's performance critiques tend to be ad hoc.'

'My apologies, Henson, if I was too harsh with you.'

"Was 'delegation' the only thing you learnt on that management course?"

'I believe I'm owed some holiday pay.'

'Stevens, get in here. I need a few minutes with the left side of your brain.'

Safety comes first. Don't do anything that would give me a reason to hurt you.

"It takes a big man to admit he is wrong, but I'll go half way and admit I'm big."

'Notice: management has the right to monitor employee telephone calls and e-mails just for the hell of it.'

Do It Now

"The boss says I've exceeded his low expectations of me!"

'And Sid, I'd like you to spearhead the new committee.'

"To err is human, Simmons, so you're being replaced by a computer."

'Old ones, young ones, men, women... I don't treat my workers differently. I treat them all equally unfair.'

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

"You can't say that to a customer!"

"Sorry, we stopped putting calls through to the accounts department... People kept ringing up and asking us for payments!"

". . . and then I realize everybody in the room has their phones set to 'ignore.'"

'Keep your head down! Marketing and sales are feuding!'

The Revolving Door Company

"New guy."

"When does my raise become effective?"

"I'm glad I asked you to write a mission statement, Timpson - you're fired."

"How we doing on those commandments?"

'Well, this is a new low - even for you.'

"The boss sent my job overseas and me to the unemployment line!"