Workplace Satire Fan Prints

"We look for people who can quickly adapt to changes in the workplace."

"No, I don't call it 'sexual harassment'. I call it casual friday!"

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

'I'm very busy right now. I'll post your annual review on my blog this evening.'

'This is more precise than objectively reviewing resumes.'

"Something tells me his demands may be difficult to meet."

'We're a bit tight on space.'

'My sources tell me, Jenkins, that you've requested one lunch break and several bathroom breaks each day. I consider that a sign of weakness. You're fired.'

'My first mistake was hiring you. My second mistake was not firing you. My third mistake is going to be throwing you out the window.'

"Now what was that I was meant to report...something about a loose carpet?"

'Mr. Gelt's performance critiques tend to be ad hoc.'

"Was 'delegation' the only thing you learnt on that management course?"

'Stevens, get in here. I need a few minutes with the left side of your brain.'

'My apologies, Henson, if I was too harsh with you.'

'I believe I'm owed some holiday pay.'

"To err is human, Simmons, so you're being replaced by a computer."

'Notice: management has the right to monitor employee telephone calls and e-mails just for the hell of it.'

Safety comes first. Don't do anything that would give me a reason to hurt you.

'Old ones, young ones, men, women... I don't treat my workers differently. I treat them all equally unfair.'

Do It Now

'And Sid, I'd like you to spearhead the new committee.'

"The boss says I've exceeded his low expectations of me!"

"It takes a big man to admit he is wrong, but I'll go half way and admit I'm big."

"How we doing on those commandments?"

"New guy."

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

"I'm glad I asked you to write a mission statement, Timpson - you're fired."

'Keep your head down! Marketing and sales are feuding!'

'Well, this is a new low - even for you.'

"You can't say that to a customer!"

The Revolving Door Company

"Sorry, we stopped putting calls through to the accounts department... People kept ringing up and asking us for payments!"

". . . and then I realize everybody in the room has their phones set to 'ignore.'"

"When does my raise become effective?"

"Edwin wasn't particularly good at interpreting female body language, but in this case it was easy."