Job Satire Lover Gifts

If we hired the same way we elect...

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

'Office' block tightening it's belt

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

Lethal Presentation

"We have an acronym!"

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

Personally, I was hoping for more from the intermediary process.'

'Bit of a staffing problem, Boss. We haven't got any left.'

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

'I think it is our duty to fully-experience the excess profits.'

"On a positive note, he's not our boss. He's the guy who stole our boss's identity."

"Since you somehow managed to get past my moat, I'll give you a few minutes."

Whack-a-mole CEO.

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"I was a lot happier with the elephant in the room."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"I haven't the slightest idea who he is. He came bundled with the software."

"After an extensive analysis of your company's strengths and weaknesses our recommendation is to give us more money."

"Let me put it this way: I'm hitting 'Unlike' and 'Unhire.'"

It come's to my attention that you have been doing the work of two men.

'It could be worse. Imagine what it'd be like if we hadn't gone to that team building session last week.'

"To make things more democratic, I've decided to introduce a round-table policy."