Employment Satire Fan Prints

'No experience necessary. We'll train you!'

'I like you, that's why I've waited so long to fire you.'

This company has enough clowns.

"Looks like we found the issue."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

Non-Power Breakfast

"He'll do anything to say in power."

"It's okay to be ambitious but do you dare to pee on my tree, Jackson!"

Whack-a-mole CEO.

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

Up-to-date Career-Specific Romance Novels

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

"It's a swearbox."

"You haven't been laid off because you're the designated scapegoat."

Told you...Nonsense compulsive disorder.

"Comparing our salaries with the workers' salaries makes me cry...with laughter!"

Scapegoat of the Year

'And these are the projections if we stop doing silly things like paying the employees.'

Stoneage business ethics: 'But, hey, this 'ethics' stuff isn't carved in stone!'

'Stevens, get in here. I need a few minutes with the left side of your brain.'

"Here's a manual of our rules and a CD that covers our unwritten rules.

"Gentlemen, may I present our company's future. A buggy whip... with Bluetooth!"

"Already sold your soul to the company? Listen, I'll have my people talk to their people."

'You'll never succeed until the kissing up becomes instinctual.'

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"

"We feel you're over analyzing things a bit too much."

"Anyone else see weaknesses in my report?"

"Of course I believe in diversity. Harlan, here, is an endangered species."