Job Market Satire Fans Pillows

I'm very impressed with your resume. Especially the part about your inability to make decisions by yourself.

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

'Yes, can I help you?'

"It's okay to be ambitious but do you dare to pee on my tree, Jackson!"

"A few years ago, you management gurus told us to downsize until the halls echoed..."

"You haven't been laid off because you're the designated scapegoat."

'Stevens, get in here. I need a few minutes with the left side of your brain.'

'You're in luck - we do have a temporary position in advertising'.

"Of course I believe in diversity. Harlan, here, is an endangered species."

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"

'Well, this is a new low - even for you.'

"Excellent Simons, I admire a 'yes' man who's not afraid to say 'yes'."

'hard work and more hard work got me where I am today...Not my hard work of course.'

Hey boss, in light of all that's been happening in Hollywood and journalism, I just want to thank you. For what? Well, for a long time now, you've underpaid me, overworked me, threatened to replace me with undocumented workers or robots, made me an unwitting accomplice to money laundering for foreign oligarchs ... but you've never sexually harassed me. So for that, boss, I thank you. Only a fool would engage in an unprofitable ... I mean ... immoral ... activity. You're such a wonderful very bad

"Was 'delegation' the only thing you learnt on that management course?"

"You can't say that to a customer!"

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

Cut-throat Environment

"Here a Goldstein and Company, if at first you don't succeed, you're fired!"

"Damn tail... now he's going to ask for more money."

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

'All of your previous employers said you are very loyal.'

"Anderson, we'd like to talk to you about your stand-offish attitude.'

'That must be the guy from corporate.'

"I really enjoyed my job. Management found about it and fired me."

a crash-test dummy is performing some affirmations before going to work

"Something tells me his demands may be difficult to meet."

'We're a bit tight on space.'

"You'll be allowed to work from home two days a week... Saturday and Sunday."

CEO Bonus - 'Those in favor of my exhorbitant bonus say 'aye'. Those opposed say, 'Good heavens, I've been shot!'

"To err is human, Simmons, so you're being replaced by a computer."

". . . and then I realize everybody in the room has their phones set to 'ignore.'"

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'