Job Market Satirists Pillows

The Job Offer

"All my life I worked for a flat salary... As a result, I'm flat broke!"

Hard to believe we actually competed with other people for this internship.

"Of course there is still a lot of stigma attached to being undead, I hardly ever get past the interview stage."

'Yes, can I help you?'

How are you at decision making?

'What's the matter... you're not grim here?'

'You're in luck - we do have a temporary position in advertising'.

'A word in my office Jones.'

'Are you free at the moment?'

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

"Damn tail... now he's going to ask for more money."

"Nothing personal, I just wanted to see if I still had it."

"You'll be allowed to work from home two days a week... Saturday and Sunday."

'I don't think I could have picked a tougher line of work.'

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

'This is one of those 'shovel ready' jobs you hear about.'

'I'm looking for someone to bask in my glow.'

"Hard work got me to where I am today and yours will help ensure I stay there."

"And I suppose my greatest feature is that I don't mind kissing a little booty to get ahead!"

'I like your appearance. I'm sure we can find you a place in the company.'

Right,so you're looking for someone with magic circle experience in M&A ,litigation and finance with a set of blue chip clients and the freedom to work ANYWHERE...would you like them to walk on water and turn water into wine as well?

"Of course there are some advantages to working here...we have a Food Bank situated conveniently at the end of the street!"

"It has snooze control. Ideal for those long board meetings."

'Can you dance?'

"Our plan is to hire the first person we find not under federal investigation."

"I've got to be honest. It's going to be hard to find you a position that offers 40 days of personal time."

'No experience necessary. We'll train you!'

"Well we've had our 15% budget cut confirmed,nobody's applied for our vacancies and we're moving the office into the Portocabin in the carpark. Item 2 staff morale."

This company has enough clowns.

Personnel - "I liked the one that saluted."

"I'm afraid you may be overqualified for the shelf-stacking role."

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

Job Centre: Settle for Early Retirement.