Employment Satirist Pillows

The Job Offer

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

'I'm looking for someone to bask in my glow.'

'Your references and job qualifications are excellent. I notice, however, that you've never stayed with any one company for very long!'

"Don't worry, it's just temporary...'til they find a way to fire you."

"I'm afraid you may be overqualified for the shelf-stacking role."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'Yes, can I help you?'

"Janet, cancel my Guido's reservation. I'll be having lunch in the office."

National Boss Monument.

"The boss likes people with strong convictions. You're hired."

In and Out Tray

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

'I'm delegating everything but my paycheck and my snazzy office to you.'

Meet Grant, he came up through the ranks.

'Remember, Jenkins, I want those briefs on my desk by morning.'

'What's the matter... you're not grim here?'

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'We took the old plan, folded in half, and now it's the new plan.'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'