Modern Business Satirist Gifts

"I'm sorry Mr. Bond, but you can't just leave Comcast."

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

Lethal Presentation

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

'Being offshored isn't exactly what I expected.'

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"We have an acronym!"

Born In Captivity.