Ceo Satirist Gifts

'Just tell them their salaries will be revenue neutral.'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

Another day at work would be one too many...

BBC - Crisis Management, Damage Control and Liability Supervision.

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

Born In Captivity.

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Being offshored isn't exactly what I expected.'

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

"You can all unroll yourselves now. We're heading back up."

'Instead of a raise, Yomp, you may call me 'Chief', instead of Mr Staghorn.'

Parade of Businessmen

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"