Ceo Humor Gifts

'I use my Blackberry all the time to check the competition's executive bonuses.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

"I hate performance review season."

"I'll show you our growth projections but only if you promise not to snicker."

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

Please sit down. I can give you five minutes.

'Got to admit,as far as mission statements go, it's pretty damn bold.'

'Will you kindly remind the rest of the staff that I'm the managing director - not the Godfather!'

"Quit stalling, Smithers. Where's the SALES chart?"

"Serendipity is not a strategy."

'So do you want me to minute that George is dying of boredom and Nigel will rip my head off if I don't stop boring him with my blather?'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

'I want to claim for black marker pens.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

"By the end of next week, these fads such as social media, automobiles and making fire will all be over."

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'Hey, the quarter wasn't so bad after all.'

"Summarise all that's been said. I wasn't listening."

'The massive arrests have made the plans for downsizing much easier.'

'I see everyone got the memo.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

Not a surprise, coming from the new boss - who looks about 6 years old.