Corporate Humor Gifts

"I didn't get where I am by trying to please."

'Got to admit,as far as mission statements go, it's pretty damn bold.'

'Middle managers play tennis.'

-"I finished the project on time and on budget!" -"Right, next project you get less time and less money!"

They laid off half the staff and installed a mirror, hoping no one would notice.

'I called this emergency meeting to discuss the lack of respect I've been getting around here lately.'

'I assumed when we merged that we'd have our own desk.'

'I'm really sorry, but production costs are far lower in Korea!'

Sinking sales

'The bottom line: do we wait for the government to approve it as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as a furniture polish?'

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

'Anyone who opposes the plan I'm about to propose please signify by saying 'I resign.''

'I'd like you to go work for our competition. It's the only way I know to bring them to their knees.'

'As you know, some details of the new merger have yet to be resolved.'

Business man explaining on white board - showing to executives plunging graph while sitting behind bars in jail

'You think Simmons is on drugs?'

'Take this and have a masseuse massage the numbers until they fit into out proposed profit projections.'

'I need tomorrow off to recharge my batteries.'

"Of course this is the simplified version."

'Remember, we're all in this together - except for Purvison, who will take all the blame.'

"Stock options won't do it. I'll also need a ball of yarn."

"Legal advises finger-pointing."

'We've met our goal for the year...we're still alive!'

'He refused to climb the ladder without a safety net.'

'They come and go. I've outlasted five of them.'

'He started at the bottom and found it to be his comfort zone'

The corporate merger of Plushy's Carpeting and Sticky's Velcro was not a success.

Cubicle Slavery

'I've told you a thousand times, Tompkins - we never, ever leave a paper trail here at this company.'

A fat cat in a suit smoking a cigar.

'Here is a composite of our target consumer.'

"Do you, Scofield Industries, take Amalgamated Pipe?"

"If you are amenable to that offer, I am prepared to respond with this facial expression."

Chairman with a hammer on a stick.