Corporate Comedic Gifts

'Yeah, I heard rumors that Kirsten might be leaving today...' (Dumpster dumping cubicle)

"Looks like we found the issue."

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'Now that I have your attention...'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.