Corporate Comedian Gifts

"'Season's Greetings' looks O.K. to me. Let's run it by the legal department."

'So, how bad is it? Who can bring me up to speed?'

"Run it by legal." "Run it by accounting."

Brainstorm Ideas why meeting should be over

'Put this memo in an envelope marked 'Confidential'. Drop it on the floor in the hall. Make sure you do not seal the envelope. That way, we can be sure all employees will read the memo.'

'If we do applaud transparency, will anyone see it?'

"Obviously, wishful thinking alone won't turn things around. It's going to take wishful thinking combined with some powerful new jargon!"

"Looks like we found the issue."

'He's free range.'

'Who's the designated leaker?'

"Now, where was I?"

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

'Got to admit,as far as mission statements go, it's pretty damn bold.'

'Do everything ethically ... within reason, of course.'

'I've been restructured.'

'Before we start, shall we go round the table, and each share our name and a horrible dark secret from our past.'

A presenter with a very complex chart to explain a business plan - 'And it's as simple as that!'

"On reflection i think i could have coped with just 340' feedback."

'HR says we should be looking for a little fresh blood any idea what they're talking about?'

'By demanding to nominate directors you shareholders act as if you own the place.'

Before Powerpoint.

'I was looking for a little stronger mission statement than that.'

Boss at board meeting looks at colleague wearing helmet, headphones and strapped-on pillows, saying: 'I think, perhaps, we need to come up with a new approach to risk management.'

Management of Change

That memo you wrote on reducing office emails generated 3,000 new emails.

"We're ready to begin the next phase of keeping things exactly the way they are."

Boss loads sales people with paperwork and wonders why they aren't selling

'Ok team.. let#s review: When the arrow goes down it mean...'

"That's unanimous then - we don't know what to do."

'It has to be understandable, Higbe. A code of ethics is not actually to be written in code.'

'Thanks for coming in. We'll get back to you as soon as we lower our expectations.'

'For some strange reason personnel want us to review our equal opportunities employment policies!'

'This is a very dysfunctional company. No one will talk aboaut about the elephant in the boardroom!'

"The question is: shall we follow the 5 year, 12 million dollar task force recommendations, or just wing it as we go along?"

'Boswell, it's been brought to my attention that your hidden agenda is in direct conflict with my hidden agenda.'