Corporate Comedist Gifts

"I am afraid Mr. Jones is in his career coaching session. Can I get him to call you back?"

'He's really very busy but you can wait.'

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'Now that I have your attention...'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'The check is in the email attachment.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"