Corporate Humorist Gifts

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

"Not bad! ...For a duck."

'Implementing these changes won't be easy. We're pretty set in doing things the wrong way.'

'I used to lead by example, but it was too much work.'

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

'Last week many of us had a tight schedule so our meeting was rushed and very short. Miss Jones, please read us the seconds of our last meeting.'

'At this point, I'll ask all of you to follow me to the conference room directly below us!'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'We are all accountable, but some are more accountable than others.'

'If it's any consolation, our lack of business innovation will be the subject of analysis in some of the finest M.B.A. programs in the country.'

CEO decides to enroll the board in an apology workshop.

'My last comment appeared to be inviting feedback. Do not be fooled.'

"The consultants we brought in to monitor the consultants who are looking into our cutting back on consultants are recommending specialist consultants."

'To put it simply, our policy just isn't complicated enough.'

Mergers or acquisitions.

No Surprises

'I have identified 240 stages of organizational change. Before I discuss them, coffee anyone?'

'But APART from increased profitability, better customer support, enhanced margins, reduced stress and improved staff morale WHAT is the POINT of all this emphasis on increased PRODUCTIVITY?'

"Miss Durban, is there anything C.E.O.-ish for me to do?"

'I can't talk right now. I'm discussing strategy with our financial director.'

'This is impressive, Roberts, but I'm not sure that it qualifies as work-place leadership.'

'This is gonna be one of those teamwork talks, isn't it?'

MJX Corporation: Committed to Excellence and Whatnot.

'I'm sorry. It appears Mr. Mitchell won't be accepting any more information today.'

The worker/the man who monitors the worker/the man who wrote the draft policy guidelines on how to monitor the man monitoring the worker.

'Even though you're the client, it's my duty to tell you you're wrong. . . Ok then. Speak slowly so I can write down your every whim.'

"As you can see here, there were a few downticks, followed by a few upticks, finishing off with some antics."

"I'm a big, big problem. Aren't I?"

'I don't suppose I need to remind anyone that when I use the term 'bite the bullet,' I mean it metaphorically.'

'That leaves plan 'B' - absconding with the remaining funds.'

"Oh good, you brought Robert's rules of order."

'Our lawyer insists on it as part of our due diligence provision.'

"'Honesty is the best policy.' O.K.! Now, what's the second-best policy?"

"Look the competition has a big, stupid product. We need a big, stupid product of our own, and we need it now!"

'I don't know what's worse...you, Jenkins, snoring through my presentation, or you, Fredericks, complaining that it was keeping you awake!'