Corporate Culture Humorist Gifts

'This prediction has a margin of error of plus or minus fifteen...fifteen class-action suits brought against the company.'

'Remember to stay downwind from him, he can smell fear.'

Dog Days has been used in reference to poorly performing stocks with little future potential in the American stock market.

"Cosgrove is a summer guy, Hayward is a spring guy, and I'm a winter guy."

'Great work, Bigsley, on saving the company three hundred thousand on clysdale contract. Take the rest of the day off.'

'That must be the guy from corporate.'

'Of course, after the restructure, you'll still be doing all the work, while I continue to take all the credit.'

Welcome to Dysfunction Corp... We're not a company, we're a family!

"Mr. Chihuahua, we've been discussing bringing you in. Although, that was before you died your fur purple."

"He spilled coffee on his laptop. He seems to care more about not wasting his good coffee than he does about his damaged computer."

"Looks like we found the issue."

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'Now that I have your attention...'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'