Corporate Humor Enthusiasts Gifts

'Forty billion is a generous offer for our company, but we'd feel a lot better about it, if you didn't plan on financing it by putting it on your Visa.'

'To help our brainstorming, John's going to bang his drum and scream at the top of his lungs.'

'So, we are agreed, gentlemen: either we need more diversity on this board, or we need to get a better cartoonist!'

"...then there is business Plan 'C', that does involve robbing a bank."

"My initial reaction is positive but I'd like to hibernate on it."

"A few years ago, you management gurus told us to downsize until the halls echoed..."

"It's somehow comforting to witness a revival of the classics in motivational technique."

'Try to think of your career here as less of a ladder and more of a bridge.'

The Job Offer

'Miss Maslow, come in here and read me 'The Little Engine that Could.''

"Driftwood, deadwood—what the hell's the difference?"

"I'm in competition with myself...... and I'm losing."

'Yes, actually we do many same-sex mergers.'

MANAGEMENT...Many organisms respond to a lack of competition by increasing in size.

But ladies and gentlemen, this company's been green for years. Haven't you seen the size of my bonuses?

Acme Corp - In business since 1927 BG. 'The 'BG' stands for 'Before Greenspan'.'

Earlyworm, Inc...CEO

'Much like my hairline and waistline, our numbers are trending in the wrong direction.'

Minion, how would you like a promotion? Impostor! It's been a long time coming, but I've finally signed more than a dozen franchise agreements. And I'll like you to train all the managers. They'll be paying you the franchise fee in sacks of unmarked bills. Oh, and if they act like they think you're from Starbucks, go along with it. It's just a little game franchisees like to play. VERY BAD MAN.

"I always feel like a third and fifth wheel in social situations."

'A good thing about our decline in fortune is, we're no longer plagued with industrial spies!'

'I'll give you a raise on one condition, Maxwell...you never ask for another one.'

'I've come up with two alternatives. We can either fess up to the shareholders or eviscerate ourselves with this really big knife.'

'Hold a giant yard sale? Bates, you call that a corporate 'rescue' plan?'

'This will be a temporary position that will last until our executive team is released from prison.'

"How cute! A smiley face on my pink slip."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"This position has become very important to the company."

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"He's not really much of a leader...he just has a lot of followers."

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'