Ceo Satire Collector Gifts

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Water company bonus.

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

"Hell, George - they even miss ME!"

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

'The reorganisation is moving along. Here comes the new honcho now.'

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

'I've collected my memos into one reasonably priced gift book.'

Big Fish Packing Co - Our Flounder.

'We're very proud of you, Jenkins. Keep up the good work.'

'He's a good listener, but only to the sound of his own voice.'

'I have serious doubts about the efficiency of that new 'apples and bucket' hiring test.'

'Natalie, would you please bring me the buzzword du jour?'

"I'll tell you what I'm looking for! I'm looking for a yes man, Jenson. Do you think you could fit that bill?"

"However, we're doing rather well, according to uninformed sources."

"You're hired!"

"People, the facts are inescapable. Any ideas on how we can ignore them?"

'Once again you have exceeded my expectations.'

'I appreciate recognition...but pats on the head are demeaning.'

"This just in! Due to downsizing, the mega-merger of Consolidated Industries and Humungous Corporation has been changed to a simple bankruptcy."

'I know it's easy to blame others. That's why I do it.'

'It was my unfair dismissal claim cap.'

The water desk

"My God—I've forgotten the number of my Swiss bank account!"

'This year, Sire, I've created a socko narrative of scatological raillery and rollicking nihilism which ends with a sexy justification for third quarter losses.'

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

"It would appear they worshipped the almighty dollar."