Business Satire Collector Gifts

'He's a good listener, but only to the sound of his own voice.'

'Due to the threat of litigation, I can only confirm that he worked here...if THAT'S what you want to call it.'

'Your sales are down again this month. For a guy raised by a pack of wolves you're not very bloody aggressive.'

'Have I caught you at a bad time, Ferguson?'

'Of course our competitors have an unfair advantage - their product actually works.'

'We need to panic until common sense returns.'

"Yes, Mr. James is in. What excuse would you like to hear for him not seeing you?"

"He's brilliant, exactly like me, and a lower paid version."

You're right, Jenkins. The numbers don't lie. Get me some that do.

'Our efforts to be rude impersonal, overpriced and inconvenient has made us leaders in jet fuel efficiency.'

'If a job's worth doing, it's worth off-shooting.'

'Nasty growth, eh? I recommend you go into hospitals at once!'

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

"Looks like we found the issue."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

Lethal Presentation

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

"We have an acronym!"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

Personally, I was hoping for more from the intermediary process.'

'Bit of a staffing problem, Boss. We haven't got any left.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'