Business Humor Collector Gifts

'This committee will have two functions - to execute my plans and to accept responsibility if they fail.'

"Sounds good. We'll just have to run it by the Hawaiian Shirts."

'Conduct dismissal was what I had in mind...but it's just too damned complicated.'

"My assistant will show you the ropes."

'And it's here, where we feel the bulk of our liquid assets are going.'

Market research shows your aspirin TV commercials are giving people headaches.

"You startled me for a moment there!"

'My strategy for dropping production costs and finding new customers is to use less expensive veggies and more cheap booze.'

The boss is world famous for his profound analysis of human nature, but to work here all you need to know one grunt is yes and two is no.

'You'll love this new computer, sir! It has a program to delete obscene words like sharp drop...'

"I am calling a meeting...I am calling it a waste of time."

Reactive/Proactive

'Productivity is up. Lay off a couple of more employees.'

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

"This position has become very important to the company."

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

Spot the difference.

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

"I hate performance review season."

'I used to commute. Now I transform.'

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

Friday

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

"It lost a little something in translation."

"Has anyone mentioned that you're management now, …… You don't get overtime."

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'