Office Humor Collector Gifts

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

'We reorganized so many times we are now one of our own subsidiaries.'

'I like them, sir, but the union are unhappy you've turned their list of grievances into origami.'

'You need someone who is responsible. That's me! In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!'

'Well, at least we're ahead of our competitors in the number of CFOs we've had in the past year.'

'Owing to the very real threat of biscuit-related injuries, the snack of choice for meetings will now be blancmange.'

"Good news - our share price jumped 12pts on the rumour that you were retiring."

Copy Machine Reproduces Men

'We're not looking for someone who wants to run with the wolves. We're looking for someone who wants to run over them.'

File Cabinets for Perfectionists

'This call may be monitored for quality control, so speak clearly and concisely or I will cut you off.'

'Sorry, Gowp, but I'm rteplacing you as Head of Advertising.'

" 'Best if used before 1/1/2000.' "

'I'm looking into a career change away from this 'King of the Jungle' thing.'

Sorry, answers are on another number...

To get you up to speed Higgins, we're in a cartoon and I'm about to say something clever.

Slave Galley / Open plan office

Workign at home is nice... this way, I don't have to worry about my boss harassing me...

"The board felt you were the right person to give this report some granularity."

'In every office there's always someone who didn't get the message.'

"These are your basic career options."

'I used to commute. Now I transform.'

'...the...civil service does not feel able to use your stamp and envelope licking device...'

'Chicken soup for the outsourced soul.'

Computer health check

"Change my spots...? No, that's never crossed my mind!! I guess if I really had to, then that's definitely something I'd outsource!!"

'Here's a signed statement from Vince Cable saying we can get rid of underperforming employees more easily.'

I'm away from my desk or on the other line. Leave a message at the sound of my impersonation of a beep.

'We can't offer you the satisfaction of a gratifying career, but how does a paid week off and dental sound?'

'There's a lot we don't know about these new diseases... most of our seminars are on billing.'

''Casual Friday' does not mean you may unbutton your lip!'

'It was unexpected. Normally, I came to life at quitting time.'

Your call is important to us...

'I tell you, Mrs. Jones has got her raise just because of her professional competence - there's NO other reason, Mr. Katsinski'!

'When that automated message says, 'Your call may be monitored for quality assurance,' it's to keep the quality of our customer service low.'