Workplace Humor Collectors Gifts

Bank robbers pretending to be workmen.

"People - the heart of our company. Maybe we'd do better if we got rid of most of them."

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

'I used to commute. Now I transform.'

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

"What's wrong with swallowing up other companies?"

Friday

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

Businessman: 'We're like one big family here, because of all the nepotism.'

The new contract didn't leave him much room to maneuver his hoverdesk.

'I don't know what he does, but I'm afraid to ask.'

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

"If you'd like to take a seat."

'In hindsight, we should have spent more on marketing than entertainment.'

Concerned that she would be passed over for a promotion if management knew she was pregnant, Donna concealed the fact.

'It's settled then. Your people will meet with my people if they ever get me any people.'

Gary misread the new policy on 'Free Thinking' in the work place.

Bernie the Monday morning quarterback meets David the Monday morning linebacker.

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

'Productivity is up. Lay off a couple of more employees.'

'Gerald, it's so nice to see you finally getting closer to your employees.'

The Corporate Trust: 'Since we have an agreement of transparency with the feds, I don't need to remind all of you that this meeting never happened.'

"According to your brain scan, you just don't want to go back to work."

'And these are the projections if we stop doing silly things like paying the employees.'

'Your resume seems in order, Mr. Lupo, but would you explain exactly why you want to work here> Mr. Lupo...?

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'