Corporate Satire Collector Gifts

'Essentially I'm looking to hire someone who can help thrust greatness upon me.'

'And no doubt you'll be pleased to hear, the pay's crap.'

"So this is your hour of need, Cosgrove. Are you also going to take a lunch hour?"

'Stop complaining. You knew it was an entry-level position when we hired you.'

'The company has no mandatory retirement age, per se, but when it's your time, you'll know.'

'I've collected my memos into one reasonably priced gift book.'

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"I don't like getting bogged down in details. I'm more of a big-picture guy."

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

We're cutting the forest in half, so I'm going to need you to make the oxygen of two trees.

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

"We need volunteers for the car chasing fundraiser."

'Yes, can I help you?'

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

'We feel it's very important to provide our employees with an extremely comfortable work-place environment. Primarily because we don't allow them to ever go home.'

'Due to cutbacks, he lost his company vehicle, so he has to improvise.'

"I suggest we start with the low hanging fruit."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"It lost a little something in translation."

"Here's some of my work for you to do. It should be a refreshing change...for me."

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."