Management Satirists Gifts

"If called upon. I can either lead or follow but my strong suit is getting out of the way."

"I've called this meeting so I could see all of you squirm."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

What's wrong with the computer you've got?"

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"We're all just a number here, Finch, and fortunately my number is one."

Businessman with in and out boxes marked: 'Hocus' and 'Pocus'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

Parade of Businessmen

'Before we start, shall we go round the table, and each share our name and a horrible dark secret from our past.'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'Pretty strange term, market share, considering the whole object is not to.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

'The massive arrests have made the plans for downsizing much easier.'

Stock market investment advice

'Don't bother cleaning out your desk. We'll be hiring you back as a consultant for half the salary and no benefits.'

Pin the blame on the donkey.

'What's the matter... you're not grim here?'

"No, I'm not really a CEO. I just like to keep up with the Joneses."

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'How about we just sit here a while to regulate the gaps in our service?..'