Business Cynics Gifts

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

Stock market investment advice

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"Congratulations! You've made the short-list for who we're blaming."

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'Miss Chambers, requisition me some more clout.'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

'To you, it's doing my work for me. To me... it's teamwork.'

"Sometime today do you mind putting in a two-week notice so I don't have to fire you?"