Financial Cynics Gifts

It's the same ingredients and aftertaste as stimulus 1..."

"The president today urged Americans to spend more and get into debt more..."

No matter how much money you make, this is all you'll ever urn.

So, you'd like a battery of unnecessary tests that aren't covered by insurance .. Are you sure about this? Doctor-Assisted Financial Suicide.

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'Hey, the quarter wasn't so bad after all.'

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

Stock market investment advice

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"Stocks rose today on news that even higher taxes won't stop the rich from getting richer."

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

'To you, it's doing my work for me. To me... it's teamwork.'

"Sometime today do you mind putting in a two-week notice so I don't have to fire you?"

'This Libor rate scandal gives new meaning to the term 'Fixed'-rate mortgage.'

"Your employees have lost faith in your ability to pretend to care about them."