Finance Cynic Gifts

'I know he didn't pay his bills, but let's get the lien off the coffin.'

"Relax—we'd know."

'Well, the joke's on you -- I don't HAVE $873.91.'

'I'm not sharing my cell with a banker, they're not trustworthy enough.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Hey, the quarter wasn't so bad after all.'

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

Stock market investment advice

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

"Stocks rose today on news that even higher taxes won't stop the rich from getting richer."

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

'To you, it's doing my work for me. To me... it's teamwork.'

"Sometime today do you mind putting in a two-week notice so I don't have to fire you?"