Financial Performance Cynic Gifts

'Hey, the quarter wasn't so bad after all.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

Stock market investment advice

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"You never actually own a pension pot - you merely look after it for the next government."

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

'To you, it's doing my work for me. To me... it's teamwork.'

"Sometime today do you mind putting in a two-week notice so I don't have to fire you?"

'This Libor rate scandal gives new meaning to the term 'Fixed'-rate mortgage.'

"Your employees have lost faith in your ability to pretend to care about them."