Corporate Cynics Gifts

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

"Hear no evil...See no evil...Just evil."

'We have an opening that will suit you perfectly. It's marked Exit.'

'The scary part is, he's in charge of quality control.'

'You're a two-faced, back stabbing, bootlicker who wouldn't hesitate to sell his own Mother for profit, Penderton. If only we had more like you.'

'A good idea, Fletcher? So was your last one. Which, I recall, brought us to the brink of bankruptcy!'

'You try. I'm too pushy.'

'We had to let go of some people.'

'Satan will be renewing his 7-year contract as national spokesperson for Halliburton.'

"You're overqualified, and we under pay. It evens out. Welcome abroad, Barnes."

Help Wanted Signs Explained.

"Our outplacement consists of giving you access to Craigslist."

"And now I'd like to share our strategic plan with you, code named 'Get your resume ready'."

"We need to really FOCUS on our customers if we're to rip them off to inflate our profits."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

The Solar System (after deregulation)

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

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'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

"If CEO pay packets aren't a problem, why doesn't everyone get one?"

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'We raised the price, so at least as far as we're concerned it's new and improved.'

"Congratulations! You've made the short-list for who we're blaming."

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."