Corporate Skeptics Gifts

'This bottle stainless steel cleaner...if it's stainless...why would you need a cleaner?'

"If CEO pay packets aren't a problem, why doesn't everyone get one?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

The Solar System (after deregulation)

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'We raised the price, so at least as far as we're concerned it's new and improved.'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"Neversource"

"Congratulations! You've made the short-list for who we're blaming."

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

"First Big Oil, the Big Steel, and now, Big Cookie."

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

"Guess what, Collins? Not my job to remember what I said yesterday."

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

'To you, it's doing my work for me. To me... it's teamwork.'