Corporate World Skeptic Gifts

"Guess what, Collins? Not my job to remember what I said yesterday."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

The Solar System (after deregulation)

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

"Work hard, make the sacrifices and in 25 years you could be just like me!"

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"Maybe we should have another look at the 'business as usual' idea."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

'I hate his kind. They use their integrity and hard work to advance their careers.'

'You've become like a son to me, Alvin. But the company has strict rules against nepotism, so I have to let you go.'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"If CEO pay packets aren't a problem, why doesn't everyone get one?"

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

Genius

'We raised the price, so at least as far as we're concerned it's new and improved.'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

'I say, let's not be hasty in enforcing the mandatory retirement age.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

"Leadership is about more than delegating all of your work."

"Congratulations! You've made the short-list for who we're blaming."

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'They say money can't buy happiness. Find out what can.'

'You said you wanted more responsibility, so I'm making you responsible for everything that goes wrong.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

"First Big Oil, the Big Steel, and now, Big Cookie."

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'